Saturday Sexcapades: Alleyway

I was recently reading a romance novel wherein the lead couple got it on in an alleyway, and it made me realize that I haven’t featured a Saturday Sexcapade in quite a while. So…let’s get down to the nitty gritty details!

In Romance Novel Land

Hot damn! Can I get a hell yes up in here?! There is something about a sex scene in an alleyway between two consenting romance novel adults that is just busting at the seams with lustful passion. And I’m not just referring to the seams in the male lead’s jeans, if you know what I mean!

Think about it. The couple is so unbelievably horny that they can’t even bother waiting to find an enclosed area with a roof overhead before lowering their zippers, or unbuttoning their buttons to get at each other. It’s quick, hurried, and full of enough thrusting and neck/ear lobe biting to make even the most reserved reader blush from seemingly intruding on such an intimate scene.

In Real Life

Dude, are you freaking kidding me?! Nothing like an alleyway stinking of garbage, urine and God knows what else to get you in the loving mood. And what joy! Now I have enough scratches up and down my back to make it look like a cat played tic-tac-toe with my flesh. You better believe you’ll be the one applying aloe vera to it every night. Mark my words!!

Ok, so I’ve never actually gotten it on in an alleyway, but I have a feeling it wouldn’t really be my cup of tea. First of all, I have an unbelievably and irritatingly sensitive sense of smell. Have any of you ever come across a sweet smelling alley? I suppose if it was behind a dry cleaners, or laundromat it might be a different story. Nine times out of ten though you’re probably dealing with rotting food and enough rodent droppings to make you breathe through you mouth for the whole experience.

Second: who the hell knows what you’re stepping in. It could be gum, week-old moo goo gai pan, a homeless person’s most prized possessions, or the puke from a drunken reveler behind a bar. Rule of thumb, if your foot starts to glide in something slick or sticky, use it as an excuse to wrap your legs around your man’s waist.

So for all of you alley lovers out there, be safe and hold your breath. Or, you know, maybe just table your sexual urges until you get back home. Nothing wrong with your foyer.