Kinky sexual proclivities and excessive emotional baggage aside, there are actually a few other reasons why I could never bring myself to date the brooding billionaire should the opportunity arise. Because, you know, that opportunity is just about to present itself. Below are my top 5 reasons which appeared in the book Fifty Shades of Grey, but were definitely ameliorated in the recent film.
1. Lack of Wardrobe Color
My God, have you ever seen a more boring closet? Not including the half-naked man of course. Dull gray everywhere. I mean, you would think that even this guy would like a little splash of red here and there, but no siree. All we have are slightly varied shades of monotonous gray. Even the man’s ties are boring! I’m sorry, but any guy who doesn’t have at least one humorous holiday tie in his collection isn’t worth my time. As far as I’m concerned Anastasia Steele, you can have him tie you up all day long with that sad, colorless excuse of an accessory. I won’t fight you for him.
2. The Dude Has Pencils with His Name on Them
What is this, second grade?! When was the last time you had a pencil with your name on it? As if that wasn’t bad enough, he actually gives them out to people! If he’s trying to show off he’s doing a very bad job of it. Sorry, but I’m not impressed with your thin little pencil Mr. Grey. You’re gonna have to do better than that! With all the money he has, he should at least be able to print his name on a freakin’ pen.
3. He Feels Up His Dates in Front of His Parents
Boy didn’t your momma teach you any manners? Don’t make me slap you upside the head, because I will! Sure, he stroked her thigh under the table and out of sight from prying eyes, but talk about inappropriate. It’s called self control, and the only place he should lose it with his girlfriend in his parent’s house is in a discreet upstairs bathroom or hall closet. Any location on the first floor is strictly off limits. This is “Introducing the Chica to Your Parents” lesson 101.
4. He Has a Playroom
Any man who refers to his secret and locked sex room as a “playroom” cannot be taken seriously. If I were making out with a guy, and he stopped mid-fondling to say, “I want to take you to my playroom”, I’d laugh in his face before rearranging my skirt and getting the hell out of there. Sure, the expectation when you hear “playroom” is supposed to be this:
Doesn’t really get me in the mood.
5. The Glider
Sorry, but there ain’t no way in hell you’re getting me in one of these.
And that, Mr. Grey, is why we can never be. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find someone else.