Saturday Sexcapades: Garage

Last Saturday we explored the rather confusing sex locale of the front porch. A good location for all the voyeurs out there, but if you ever worry about splinters, spiders, or nosy neighbors you might want to find an alternative interior location. So let’s move things a little to the left and explore another locale just on the cusp of entering one’s homestead…the garage.

I must say, compared to the front porch, this location is already vastly superior. As long as you remember to hit the garage door button upon entry, you probably don’t need to concern yourself with anybody else looking in on your amorous activities. In addition, garages always seem to have the tendency to echo, so you’ve basically got your own surround sound of pleasure going on. Remember to turn on some tunes on the car radio, and the mood can officially be set.

As for where in the garage our romance novel lovers choose to get it on like Donkey Kong, there are usually two or three common varieties.

1. They don’t make it out of the car. I’ve commented on this before ladies and gentlemen, pure laziness. It’s been done, nothing special, moving on.

2. The hood of the car. Not gonna lie, intriguing. You’ve probably got a decent height ratio going on, and as long as it’s cooled off a bit before any thrusting begins it’s a passionate location. Just make sure you don’t go overboard and cause any dents or scratches.

3. Some kind of work bench and/or tool thingamawhatever. I don’t know what the hell they’re called. All I know is, I’d be worried about a stray nail, or screwdriver the entire time.

While I definitely approve of the garage locale overall, there is one major downside that I can think of. The smell. I have an extremely unfortunate sensitive sense of smell, and whenever I enter a garage I am always overwhelmed by the scent of gasoline and oil. If you happen to be in the garage of my childhood home, then there’s also the presence of garbage storage. That’s just…not pleasant. However, if it’s a man worth getting frisky with in a garage, hopefully that means he also had the foresight to purchase some kind of air freshener. The sign of a true gentleman to be sure.

So there you go! While not my absolute favorite just-outside-of-home sex locale, I must say it works! It’s somewhat confined to provide a sense of intimacy, and understandable as a location considering our main couple has probably been engaging in a bit of hanky panky in the car ride home. If you simply can’t make it the next few feet into the house, I’d say the garage is definitely preferable over the front porch. No real chance of being caught, and hopefully there’s some kind of scented candle to distract you from the smell. Although, if the man really knows what he’s doing, maybe you won’t even notice your surroundings!

Saturday Sexcapades: Roof

Sorry I haven’t written a Saturday Sexcapade in quite some time, but what can I say, I’ve been busy!

Most of you know that for the majority of the sexcapades I describe here, I go into rather particular detail about how a location outside of the bedroom might seem ideal in romance novel land, but when you look at the logistics you can’t help but see the obvious downsides. However, when it comes to making whoopie on the roof, you might be surprised to discover I am almost in full 100% support of this locale! Let me explain.

I have lived in quite a few buildings throughout my short life which have had fabulous roof access. In many different countries as a matter of fact. And let me tell you the roof is by far the most underutilized amenity in most any apartment building! I once lived in a building that had a rooftop pool, and I can’t tell you how many times I was the only person up there making use of that thing. Why that is? No freakin’ clue. How does it benefit our romantic lovers who suddenly feel the urge to get down while up on the roof? Simple. You are practically guaranteed a decent amount of privacy.

And now for another added benefit: the view. Our lovers not only get to look out on a sweeping view of a city or countryside, but then when they finally get down to business, well…at least one of them gets to look up at a nice starry sky. Sure, one will undoubtedly get the short end of the stick by having to look down at a bunch of roof tiles/bricks, but maybe they can roll over a couple of times to share.

The final obvious positive to this sexy locale is the fact that there’s usually a siding and/or ledge to the roof which provides the necessary amount of privacy from other people who might be star gazing on their own roof. Let’s face it, once our couple goes horizontal, they probably can’t be spotted by any peeping-tom neighbors. Unless of course the building next to them is significantly taller in height. But even then it’s probably too dark for anyone to see anything!

And now for the one and only obvious downside, and it’s quite the doozy. You better bring some kind of yoga mat or air mattress with you, otherwise you’ll probably be quite sore for the next week or two. After all, every apartment building roof I’ve been to has some rather hard concrete flooring, and that just doesn’t seem like the ideal material to roll around on. Could definitely do some damage to the knees. Also, if you live in a really big city, such as New York, you might want to be quick about it, lest the cockroaches get curious as to why you’re invading their territory. Talk about a mood killer.

So maybe there’s a downside here or there, but overall, I’ve got to give an enthusiastic thumbs up to this sexcapade locale!

 

Saturday Sexcapades: Janitor’s Closet

What is it about a janitor’s closet that just makes two consenting adults positively frisky? Perhaps it’s the close, confined quarters. Or the possibility of discovery? Maybe the restricted scent of chemical fumes have combined to form an unstoppable cloud of lust. Whatever it is, I absolutely love whenever we have two romance novel characters who choose to go at it in a janitor’s closet.

If you’ve never come across this sexual locale in a romance book, well then you need to get on that. It’s really a good one! I have found that there are two instances in which it is about 10 times more likely for our love birds to seek out, or stumble into a janitor’s closet to get their freak on.

Instance one: hospitals. If you’re reading a romance novel, and the male and female lead ever find themselves visiting a third party in a hospital, I would say the chance of them shoving each other up against the shelves in a janitor’s closet is exponentially increased. I can’t say with 100% certainty why that is. Maybe they’re both really really happy to be alive and healthy, and they feel the urge to celebrate?

Instance two: charity functions. I guess you could say they’re in the giving mood! Hint hint wink wink, nudge nudge. This one is always fun because they are usually dressed up in all their fancy gala evening wear, but when the door closes the white satin gloves come off. At least they will have all the necessary items to efficiently clean up afterwards, amiright?

I think the close quarters really does have a large part to play in what makes this sexual location so sexy. Not to mention that for some very odd reason, our couple is usually arguing before finding solitude in the janitor’s closet, and they can’t help but take out their sexual frustration by doing the vertical mambo. Let’s face it, they rarely go horizontal in those things.

Well, whatever it is! This romance reviewer gives the janitor’s closet as a sex locale in novels two very enthusiastic thumbs up! Or penises. You know, whichever you prefer.