Saturday Sexcapades: Front Porch

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always dreamed of living in a house with a big wrap-around porch. Mind you, it never once crossed my mind that such a feature could potentially be a prime out-of-the-bedroom sex locale for romance novel lovers. I just always envisioned it being a lovely place to sit in a white wicker rocking chair with a good book and a glass of lemonade.

Now that I’m older? Yeah, um, honestly still not a place I’d think of to get down and dirty with a significant other. All that’s changed in my vision since I was little is that I now have a Kindle instead of a paper back book, and well…maybe there’s a little vodka in that lemonade.

As always with these Saturday Sexcapades, I like to point out a few details for romance lovers to keep in mind before deciding to drop trow on the front porch. First and foremost, you either better have some extremely tall hedges, or you need to live far enough out in the country where there’s no risk of your neighbor catching a free show.

Having grown up in the suburbs where you are literally surrounded by neighbors on all sides, I can’t lie this is always the first thing that pops up in my head when I come across this sexcapade in a romance novel. Anybody could just walk by! At least if you live out in the country you’d only be providing a few nocturnal animals with some interesting entertainment for the evening.

Aside from the possibility of the neighborhood gossips catching a glimpse, there are two other reasons the porch doesn’t scream sexy to me. For one, I don’t think I’ve ever visited a front porch that didn’t have an excessive amount of spiders/spider webs in the vicinity. Sorry, not gonna happen. Then you’ve got a plethora of moths practically humping the porch light in ecstasy. Just…no! Can’t we take this inside already?

And this leads me to my main complaint about this particular locale. The front door is LITERALLY right there! Can’t you just take these amorous activities into the safe and clean confines of your foyer? It’s only about 2 feet away. Come on, I know you can do it!

For our romance novel leads it seems that the public nature of the porch is one of the enticing factors. It also usually involves the female lead getting down on her knees to…pleasure her man. Goodness gracious girl I hope you used the door mat for cushioning.

I’ll admit, for the few romance novels out there which feature a lustful scene on a back patio/porch, that’s something I’m more in favor of. There’s usually a bit more privacy, and it seems our couple usually just gets thing started out there before eventually finishing things up inside.

For the front porch though? It seems like inviting the male lead inside afterwards for a cup of “coffee” never happens. I’d say most of the times I’ve come across this feature in a novel, our main couple doesn’t spend the evening together after their front porch fun times. What…too intimate for ya?!

All in all, the front porch as a romantic sexcapade is not my favorite. I’m constantly thinking they’ll be discovered by a late night jogger, or perhaps a neighbor walking their dog. Move things inside folks! You don’t necessarily have to go the bedroom, but you can’t stay here!!

 

Saturday Sexcapades: Alleyway

I was recently reading a romance novel wherein the lead couple got it on in an alleyway, and it made me realize that I haven’t featured a Saturday Sexcapade in quite a while. So…let’s get down to the nitty gritty details!

In Romance Novel Land

Hot damn! Can I get a hell yes up in here?! There is something about a sex scene in an alleyway between two consenting romance novel adults that is just busting at the seams with lustful passion. And I’m not just referring to the seams in the male lead’s jeans, if you know what I mean!

Think about it. The couple is so unbelievably horny that they can’t even bother waiting to find an enclosed area with a roof overhead before lowering their zippers, or unbuttoning their buttons to get at each other. It’s quick, hurried, and full of enough thrusting and neck/ear lobe biting to make even the most reserved reader blush from seemingly intruding on such an intimate scene.

In Real Life

Dude, are you freaking kidding me?! Nothing like an alleyway stinking of garbage, urine and God knows what else to get you in the loving mood. And what joy! Now I have enough scratches up and down my back to make it look like a cat played tic-tac-toe with my flesh. You better believe you’ll be the one applying aloe vera to it every night. Mark my words!!

Ok, so I’ve never actually gotten it on in an alleyway, but I have a feeling it wouldn’t really be my cup of tea. First of all, I have an unbelievably and irritatingly sensitive sense of smell. Have any of you ever come across a sweet smelling alley? I suppose if it was behind a dry cleaners, or laundromat it might be a different story. Nine times out of ten though you’re probably dealing with rotting food and enough rodent droppings to make you breathe through you mouth for the whole experience.

Second: who the hell knows what you’re stepping in. It could be gum, week-old moo goo gai pan, a homeless person’s most prized possessions, or the puke from a drunken reveler behind a bar. Rule of thumb, if your foot starts to glide in something slick or sticky, use it as an excuse to wrap your legs around your man’s waist.

So for all of you alley lovers out there, be safe and hold your breath. Or, you know, maybe just table your sexual urges until you get back home. Nothing wrong with your foyer.

Saturday Sexcapades: Janitor’s Closet

What is it about a janitor’s closet that just makes two consenting adults positively frisky? Perhaps it’s the close, confined quarters. Or the possibility of discovery? Maybe the restricted scent of chemical fumes have combined to form an unstoppable cloud of lust. Whatever it is, I absolutely love whenever we have two romance novel characters who choose to go at it in a janitor’s closet.

If you’ve never come across this sexual locale in a romance book, well then you need to get on that. It’s really a good one! I have found that there are two instances in which it is about 10 times more likely for our love birds to seek out, or stumble into a janitor’s closet to get their freak on.

Instance one: hospitals. If you’re reading a romance novel, and the male and female lead ever find themselves visiting a third party in a hospital, I would say the chance of them shoving each other up against the shelves in a janitor’s closet is exponentially increased. I can’t say with 100% certainty why that is. Maybe they’re both really really happy to be alive and healthy, and they feel the urge to celebrate?

Instance two: charity functions. I guess you could say they’re in the giving mood! Hint hint wink wink, nudge nudge. This one is always fun because they are usually dressed up in all their fancy gala evening wear, but when the door closes the white satin gloves come off. At least they will have all the necessary items to efficiently clean up afterwards, amiright?

I think the close quarters really does have a large part to play in what makes this sexual location so sexy. Not to mention that for some very odd reason, our couple is usually arguing before finding solitude in the janitor’s closet, and they can’t help but take out their sexual frustration by doing the vertical mambo. Let’s face it, they rarely go horizontal in those things.

Well, whatever it is! This romance reviewer gives the janitor’s closet as a sex locale in novels two very enthusiastic thumbs up! Or penises. You know, whichever you prefer.

Saturday Sexcapades: Movie Theater

Oh for the love of all that is holy, please don’t tell me this is why the floors in movie theaters are so sticky!!

For this edition of Saturday Sexcapades, we’re going to explore romance novel couples who get it on in a darkened movie theater. Now, let me start off by saying…I totally get it. After all, is there anything more intoxicating, more stimulating, more arousing, than the scent of movie theater popcorn butter? Talk about the ultimate aphrodisiac!

You’ve gotta admit, the movie theater is a damn near perfect public location for some hanky panky. It’s dark, the majority of people will be too enthralled with what’s happening on the screen to really pay any attention to you and your lover, and it can be so unbelievably loud in there that all the sounds of gasping and moaning can be perfectly camouflaged.

There are a few important points for our romance novel couples to consider though before attempting this one. Firstly, they better hope to get a seat in the absolute back row, with nobody else around who might get a show they weren’t quite expecting.

Second, their actions are rather limited. Let’s face it, they’re pretty much restricted to using their hands, and…well…you know. Both individuals must be prepared to face the facts: their clothes must remain on, and there’s a mighty big chance you’ll have to wait another hour or two before you can head home and do the job right. Naked.

And now for my one teeny, tiny complaint about this sexual locale. Do you realize how much money you just wasted on a movie ticket?! Those damn things are expensive, and you’re not even paying attention to what’s going on onscreen. And if you happen to knock over the popcorn whilst carrying out your amorous activities? Hmph, we gonna have words! Believe you me!

Overall though, I must admit that when this locale appears in romance novels I am in full support. It’s sexy as hell, and often leads to a more passionate evening once our couple makes it back home, where they can rip each other’s clothes off completely.

Saturday Sexcapades: the Library

When it comes to the choice of the library as a public sex location, I must admit I am an absolute hypocrite. If I was roaming the stacks, and came upon a couple going at it like a couple of teenagers, I’d probably lose my shit. After all, I can’t stand it when I’m in the library and the person next to me is typing too loudly. Then you’ve got two people who have the nerve to shove each other up against the bookshelves, and do the dirty in a place of designated quiet? Have you no respect?!

That being said, whenever I’m reading a romance novel, or watching a movie where a couple chooses to have sex in a library? I’m their biggest supporter, cheering them on from the sidelines. Do it, do it, do it! Whether it be a public library, one at a university, or a private library located in a billionaire’s penthouse, I always do a little happy dance when this one comes along. What is it about this location that makes everything so much more goddamn sexy? Well, let’s take a peek.

Firstly, I think the fact that the library is supposed to be a quiet place supplies an added layer of suspense to the whole concept. This is when our couple will often resort to biting each other’s shoulders, or holding their hand over the other’s mouth to suppress as much noise as possible. Oh my, things are getting a little hot and heavy up in here!

Second of all, the chance of discovery at any moment is extremely heightened. This often translates into a quick and rough coupling, with the desire to bring forth as much pleasure in as short an amount of time as possible. I feel like this also leads to some pretty creative moves so that both individuals can leave with a happy ending. A fair amount of whispered dirty talk is usually involved as well. I guess you just can’t deny that the library brings out the creativity in people.

Thirdly, it’s all about the angle. 9 times out of 10, our couple remains in the vertical position for the entirety of the sexcapade, and that’s just impressive. Every once in a while, you’ll find a lazy ass couple who sneaks off to one of those study rooms, and performs the deed horizontally on a desk. Come on people, if you’re gonna have sex in a library, do it right.

And now, for the pièce de résistance if you will! If, at any point, there is a ladder involved? Well, then that’s just an automatic win.

 

Now, let’s face it, in the real world, having sex in a library is probably more trouble than it’s worth. There are always people around (not to mention security cameras), the unzipping of a pants zipper would most likely reverberate like there was a megaphone involved, and there’d probably always be the concern of knocking over the library stacks like a domino effect. But for all the authors out there who include it as a sexy romp locale in their romance novel I’d just like to say, “thanks”, for keeping it interesting.

 

Saturday Sexcapades: Restaurant Table

This post is dedicated to all the romance novel couples out there who can’t help but get a little handsy while dining at a restaurant. And there are a lot of them! Sometimes they even get a little mouthy, if you catch my drift.

Maybe it’s that amazing list of specials the waiter just rattled off. Or the wide variety of fine wines. Perhaps it’s the decadent chocolate mousse for dessert. I don’t know for sure what the secret ingredient is, but something is making the couples of the romance world hornier than all get out!

I can’t say I necessarily condone this sexcapade locale. After all, there are few things that can make me lose my appetite for an amazing lobster bisque faster than the thought of the guy at the table next to me getting a blowjob from his girlfriend under the table. That being said, you can’t help but admit that romance novel couples who feel the need to slowly inch their hands up each other’s thighs are about as ballsy as they come!

 

There seem to be about a million and one different ways where they could be caught and thrown out for public indecency in this scenario. And yet, that never stops ’em from giving it a go! The way I see it, there are some key details for our lovebirds to keep in mind before attempting this particular sexcapade. Number one: you better be seated in the most remote and darkened corner of the entire restaurant.

Number two: the table height either has to come up to your chin, or your hand movements need to put the “subtle” in subtlety so nobody else catches on to your dirty ways. I’m always surprised when couples do this at a table with other people present! Can they really not see that the angle of the guy’s arm puts his hand directly in line with her…nether region?

 

Lastly: the restaurant better be playing some music over their speaker system, or the girl needs to bury her face so far into the guy’s neck that nobody can hear her moans, or see her facial features. The problem I find is that so many of these couples get frisky in an upscale, romantic restaurant that probably has a quiet violin solo going on somewhere. Better be quiet!

 

And so for all those ballsy couples out there in romance novel land who wanna get off under a restaurant table: if you can actually manage to overcome all the obstacles, and get away with it without drawing any suspicion to yourselves, well then there are simply no words.

Saturday Sexcapades: Hammock

For those of you fabulous people who are regular visitors to my blog, you’ll know that I’ve done a few posts in the past featuring some of the more unusual locations romance novel couples have chosen to do the deed. From elevators to automobiles, airplane bathrooms and beaches, you just never know where the mood will strike!

Previously, I’ve included about 4 unique locations per post, but I’ve decided to mix things up a bit. Rather than crush together all of the fun into just one post, why not spread things out over time? Ergo, welcome to Saturday Sexcapades, where I’ll focus attention on just one location outside of the bedroom per post. It might not be every Saturday, but this is when you can expect to see them. So let’s get started with a Sexcapade you might come across in a romance novel when the weather is a tad warmer than what most of us are probably suffering through right now!

The Hammock

The way I see it, there is no rhyme, reason, or logical explanation for ever having sex in a hammock. How is it possible for anyone to walk away from this without experiencing at least one traumatic injury?!

I’ve only come across one romance novel so far which featured a couple who simply couldn’t wait to move things from their hammock of love to the bedroom. To be fair, I kind of get the romantic aspect of it. You’re snuggled up close with your significant other, letting the gentle sway of the hammock seduce you into a passionate bubble of lust. You’re outside, probably near a beach of some kind, and the exhibitionist in you kind of wants to put on a show for your neighbors. But someone needs to explain the logistics of it to me!

Ok, on second thought please don’t explain it to me, because I honestly don’t know you all that well. Hammocks are meant to sway side to side, but with the inevitable sexual movements you’ll induce with your lover, I just feel like you’re bound to unlatch the hammock from the hook around the tree, and end up in a tangle of limbs on the ground. Good luck getting the mood back after that jarring experience. Or the two lovers will just have to be very…very…gentle. NO UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS! Otherwise you’re looking at possible motion sickness repercussions.

Mkay, so when all is said and done I’ll have to say that I can understand the appeal of getting things started in a hammock, but for the love of safety please take things inside for the big finish. If you have a hammock like this one it might be a bit more realistic:

But let’s face it, most of us common folk just have one of these, and that doesn’t bode well for anyone:

Be safe out there people!

Let’s Take This Out of the Bedroom, Part 2

A few months ago, I wrote a post about some of the more unusual locations where romance characters have gotten down and dirty. You all seemed to enjoy it so much, that I’ve decided to write a follow-up post featuring some other locales I’ve encountered in romance novels which take place outside of the bedroom. To recap, the last post locations included elevators, motor vehicles, dressing rooms, and airplane bathrooms. Let’s see where else our couples have experienced a burst of passion, shall we?

1. Bathtub/Shower: Does anybody else feel like both of these pose a serious safety hazard? Let’s start with the shower. My goodness gracious, I hope you have a handicap rail to hold onto in that thing. I practically fall over whenever I try to wash my feet! I can’t imagine the balancing act that would be involved with having another person in there. To be fair, whenever this location is present in a romance novel there appears to be a conveniently placed bench within the shower which seems to reduce the chance of injury by 50%. Still though, I hope you have some adhesive rubber duckies on the bottom of your shower to prevent slippage. As for the bathtub, I can barely fit in one by myself! I’m really tall and my feet stick out. It initially seems like a much more practical locale than the shower, seeing as the lovers are already in a horizontal position, but water would get everywhere! The last thing I would want to worry about after making love is mopping up the floor.

2. The Beach: Considering the title of this blog you’d probably think I was all for this exotic location. Well…let’s look at the logistics. When was the last time you were at a beach where absolutely nobody else was around, and you were offered enough privacy where you could possibly get down and sandy with your partner if you wanted to? I’ve been on plenty of beach vacations, and I can’t say I’ve ever been to a completely solitary beach.

And then let’s look at the most obvious deterrent to this option: SAND! It get’s everywhere! Even if you had a beach towel, or five, laid out, I feel like you’d be picking sand out of every crevice imaginable for a week. For those characters who get intimate within the waves near the shoreline: consider yourself warned that scuba divers could be anywhere. As could sharks. That would actually probably make for the most interesting Shark Week survival story ever.

3. The Kitchen: Whether it be the table, counter, or floor, this is a very common location for two lead characters to get jiggy with it. Why do you think that is exactly? I suppose food can be intoxicating, and there’s probably nothing more satisfying than that perfect kitchen-counter-to-wrapping-your-legs-around-a-man’s-waist height ratio. Mmm, better than strawberries and whipped cream any day. However! I hope these couples take future guests into consideration, and do a thorough scrubbing of any and all kitchen surfaces after doing the deed. Or even before doing it. Because…come on, let’s be sanitary. I guess I can approve of the counter, but I’d probably question the sturdiness of the table, and the floor just seems like it’d be quite chilly and hard (pun absolutely intended). Maybe if you threw a tablecloth down there you’d be more comfortable?

4. Staircase: If it’s up against the wall of a staircase…maybe. I can’t quite picture how the feet placement would go though. Wouldn’t there be an obvious lean to one side? Also seems like a home injury lawsuit waiting to happen. Maybe homeowners who are interested in giving this one a try should have their partner sign a disclaimer before attempting. Against the wall seems like it’d be a tad awkward, but don’t even get me started on those who carry out this act horizontally. How is this comfortable for anyone involved? Can you imagine the bruises for the person on the bottom? Just think about that solid immovable stair digging into your spine. Ugh! And the person on top will probably need a knee cap replacement in the immediate future. Whenever I read a book with a sex scene on a staircase, I always assume they’ll somehow lose their grip on the stair, and thumpingly slide down all the way to the bottom. Then what are they supposed to do? Carry on like nothing happened? Or call an ambulance for obvious head trauma?

As always, I love to hear what you all have to say! If I left off a location you felt was obvious, don’t worry! I’ll probably include it in a future “out of the bedroom” installment 🙂

What do you Have Against Romance?

I READ ROMANCE NOVELS! There, I said it. To an infinite internet audience that I will most likely never meet. But to admit this to people I know? Honestly, it is terrifying. Can you believe that whenever someone asks me what book I’m reading, 9 times out of 10 I will lie because I don’t want them to know I’m reading romance? And to say I have dedicated a blog to the genre? It’s embarrassing. Now isn’t that silly? To be afraid of judgement for something that I love doing. But alas, you can’t ignore the stigma which seems to surround this entire genre.

Disassociate

“I’ll read anything but romance.”

“Romance novels are porn for bored housewives.”

“The writing is terrible.”

If I had a nickel for every time a blogger sent me a comment like this, well I’d have a shit ton of nickels. Most people out there try to disassociate themselves from this genre completely. But what’s wrong with a little romance? The most common criticism I hear from people is that the writing is terrible. I have read some amazing novels in this genre, with some of the best writing I’ve ever come across in my 25 years. The Bronze Horseman by Paullina Simons, Both Sides of Love by Kimberly Wenzler, The Edge of Never by J.A. Redmerski, the list goes on and on.

Another common thing I see is that people are basing this “terrible writing” off of one romance novel they read. One book. That would be like me going into the mystery section of the bookstore, picking a book at random, and basing every book in that genre on this one book. Doesn’t seem very fair, does it? I talked about this with someone at BookExpo America, and she put it so much more eloquently than I could: you shouldn’t judge a book by its genre. Believe me, just because it’s a romance doesn’t mean the writing is awful.

Visitors to my blog will often tell me that they don’t read romance, but they want me to recommend a romance novel for them. I’m happy to, but it’s not that easy people. Romance is such a varied genre, and incorporates so many other genres that it really depends on what you personally like to read. Do you prefer historical? Contemporary? Fantasy, sci-fi, war, paranormal, young adult, mystery, suspense? You might actually have to do a little research to find a plot which interests you before you pick a book at random.

Sex on the Brain

Yes, most romance novels feature sex. But guess what? Sex is actually a big part of life. You and I wouldn’t be here if our parents hadn’t gotten down and jiggy with it. But I get it, some of you don’t like reading about the more intimate and descriptive details of sex. Here’s a little secret: not all romance novels have detailed sex scenes. Just look at Pride and Prejudice. One of the greatest romance novels of all time, and not a lick of sex in the whole thing. Or any licking between Elizabeth and Darcy for that matter. There are also romance novels from this century which don’t feature any sex scenes. Again, it might take a little research, but you can definitely find them.

And now I have another little confession to make: I am an immature adult. For example, I think South Park is hilarious, and I watch The Simpsons about 5 days a week. I tell inappropriate jokes, and some of them even revolve around sex. Anything to make people laugh. I live off of people’s giggles. I probably have the maturity level of a 12-year-old, but I have been this way ever since I was 12!

However, can you believe that ever since I started this blog I have to monitor the number of sexual innuendos I might say in a given week? I can maybe get away with 1 or 2, but any more than that, and my family and friends will chastise me, “Oh Lauren, ever since you started that blog you’ve got sex on the brain.” Uh…no, I don’t. I’m not a sex addict. It’s not like I look at a banana and see a penis instead. I’m just an immature smart mouth. Again though, I’ve been that way for over a decade, before I even started reading romance novels, and this blog is not the sudden light bulb explanation for my immaturity. It’s not like people who read crime novels are constantly thinking about killing people, or the best ways to hide a body. Right?

Unrealistic Expectations

“You know that you won’t meet a guy like in one of your books, right? That’s not how it happens.” Wait a minute! You mean I won’t fall in love with my neighbor who will also happen to be a sex god billionaire? Well shit! I might as well dedicate the rest of my life to celibacy and just give up on meeting my prince charming right now! My neighbor is a 65-year-old Vietnamese woman named Alma. I wasn’t really holding out hope there.

Yes, I am 25 and single, and someone cautioned me with that statement above. This is another one of those things which really irks me, mainly because it’s questioning my intelligence. Do you also have heart-to-hearts with Twilight fans to warn them that vampires don’t exist? Do you boycott mystery novels because they imply that bad guys will always be brought to justice?  You wanna know what expectations I get when I read a romance novel? It makes me think that two people can care about each other enough where love is actually possible. That sex can be enjoyable. That a man can think you’re beautiful even if you aren’t stick-model thin. So, are you telling me that those things aren’t actually possible? That I should settle for a guy who is just into sex rather than getting to know me as a person? Because if that’s the expectation you’re trying to give me, I think I’ll stick with being single for just a little bit longer.

Conclusion

So what exactly am I trying to say here? That you are required to love romance novels as much as I, otherwise you’re dead to me? No. Here is what I’m trying to say. Don’t write off romance, and don’t laugh at those of us who like it. And if you do like reading romance novels, try not to feel ashamed that you do. You’re not alone. I also get if it’s not the genre for you. Hell, I don’t read thrillers because they make me nervous. But if you’re judging it just off of one romance book you read years ago, then maybe it’s time to give it another try. Not every romance novel is like 50 Shades of Grey, and Fabio doesn’t grace every cover. August is National Romance Awareness Month, so I’m here to let you know that there are some great romance books out there, and there are some great people out there who read them. Not that I’m one of them or anything. Don’t forget, I’m an immature smart mouth. But I’m proud of that fact 🙂

Let’s Take this Out of the Bedroom, Shall We?

I was watching an episode of Friends the other day in which all of the characters discuss the most unusual places they’d ever had sex. Some of the standout locations included the “It’s a Small World After All” ride at Disneyland, the foot of the bed, and hell even Milwaukee. It got me to thinking that it might be fun to feature a post about the more unique places some romance novel heroes and heroines have done the dirty deed, other than the bedroom. I’ve created a list of some different venues where lead characters sometimes find themselves overcome by passion where they can’t help but climb all over each other. Some I support, others are downright outrageous!

1. Elevators: At times, I can totally get behind this locale, specifically whenever two people are trapped in an elevator. I mean, how else are you supposed to pass the time? Play rock, paper, scissors? An added feature that I usually love about the trapped elevator scenario is that it always seems to get hot and steamy in there, resulting in a prolonged removal of clothing. One of my favorite romance novels which features this unusual location is Hearts in Darkness by Laura Kaye. Highly recommend. Now, the only time I can’t support this option is when two people are simply traveling in an elevator and start to hump each other like rabbits. So many things wrong with this situation. Firstly, I can’t remember the last time I was alone in an elevator with a hot guy, and nobody else. Let’s face it, there’s always some random stranger in there with bad body odor cramping your style. Second issue, ever hear of security cameras? Now you’ll be the next YouTube sensation. And lastly, if a man and a woman can complete the act in the amount of time it takes to ride in an elevator…well that just doesn’t seem right.

2. Any Kind of Motor Vehicle: Puh-leeeeease!! Can you get more unoriginal? Front seat, back seat, hood of a car, truck bed, fire truck, you name it, it’s been done. Heck, I’ve read a book where two people get frisky on a motorcycle. What are we, 16? You can find somewhere a bit more creative than that. You just have to try a little harder. And for all of those fictional characters out there in the passenger seat who choose to sexually tease the driver, could you be more irresponsible?

3. Dressing Rooms: Wait, seriously? Is it just me, or do you always feel about 5 pounds heavier whenever you change clothes in a dressing room? The mirrors in there are never your friend, so I can’t really imagine people getting off to watching themselves do it in there. Whenever dressing room sex is featured in a book, nine times out of ten it’s a billionaire playboy buying clothes for his “girl-next-door” girlfriend/let’s not put a label on it bed buddy, and they just happen to be the only two people present in a practically empty high-end clothing store. Now, let’s be realistic. For all of us average chicas out there, you have to wait about 15 minutes for a free room, and you bump your head into the wall whenever you try and take your shoes off. In addition, when the person in the room next to you removes any article of clothing it sounds like it’s in dolby digital surround sound. I have a feeling if I heard some heavy panting coming from another dressing room I would either burst out laughing, or call security under the assumption that someone was hyperventilating. I guess I should apologize ahead of time should I ever spoil the mood for a couple who just can’t help themselves when surrounded by discounts and price tags.

4. Airplane Bathrooms: No! Never! Under any circumstances!! The average airplane bathroom measures about 2 feet by 2 feet. How the hell can you fit two people in there?! Wow, I really need to calm down with the exclamation points. Still, this is one I just can’t understand. Whenever I go inside an airplane bathroom, I immediately stop breathing through my nose. I don’t need to smell what the person sitting five rows ahead of me had for lunch. Doesn’t exactly scream sexy. And as with the dressing rooms, you always have to wait forever for it to become unoccupied. It seems near impossible to be discreet when going in there with your special someone. And you know that the flight attendants are always putting together the drink cart in the back. They’re sure to spot you! Now to be fair, I’ve never been in the first class cabin, so for all I know the bathrooms up there are more spacious than the cockpit of the Starship Enterprise, and smell like a garden of roses. Couldn’t you just wait though until the aircraft has landed safely and all of the seats are in their upright positions? And for the love of all things holy, if I was waiting to use the bathroom and found out that there was a couple in there trying to make it into the mile high club, I’d spoil their mood faster than you can say return to your seats and fasten your seat belts!

Well there ya go! Those are some of the more memorable sex locations I’ve come across in my romance novel readings. Most seem either implausible or just downright ridiculous in my opinion, but what the hell? When the mood strikes, I guess. I must say though, it was pretty fun writing this post. Maybe I’ll have to do a follow-up one day about some other locations I undoubtedly forgot, or will read about in the near future. Or possibly write about more creative places characters have explored within the home. I mean, kitchen counter anyone?