Saturday Sexcapades: Front Porch

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always dreamed of living in a house with a big wrap-around porch. Mind you, it never once crossed my mind that such a feature could potentially be a prime out-of-the-bedroom sex locale for romance novel lovers. I just always envisioned it being a lovely place to sit in a white wicker rocking chair with a good book and a glass of lemonade.

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Now that I’m older? Yeah, um, honestly still not a place I’d think of to get down and dirty with a significant other. All that’s changed in my vision since I was little is that I now have a Kindle instead of a paper back book, and well…maybe there’s a little vodka in that lemonade.

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As always with these Saturday Sexcapades, I like to point out a few details for romance lovers to keep in mind before deciding to drop trow on the front porch. First and foremost, you either better have some extremely tall hedges, or you need to live far enough out in the country where there’s no risk of your neighbor catching a free show.

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Having grown up in the suburbs where you are literally surrounded by neighbors on all sides, I can’t lie this is always the first thing that pops up in my head when I come across this sexcapade in a romance novel. Anybody could just walk by! At least if you live out in the country you’d only be providing a few nocturnal animals with some interesting entertainment for the evening.

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Aside from the possibility of the neighborhood gossips catching a glimpse, there are two other reasons the porch doesn’t scream sexy to me. For one, I don’t think I’ve ever visited a front porch that didn’t have an excessive amount of spiders/spider webs in the vicinity. Sorry, not gonna happen. Then you’ve got a plethora of moths practically humping the porch light in ecstasy. Just…no! Can’t we take this inside already?

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And this leads me to my main complaint about this particular locale. The front door is LITERALLY right there! Can’t you just take these amorous activities into the safe and clean confines of your foyer? It’s only about 2 feet away. Come on, I know you can do it!

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For our romance novel leads it seems that the public nature of the porch is one of the enticing factors. It also usually involves the female lead getting down on her knees to…pleasure her man. Goodness gracious girl I hope you used the door mat for cushioning.

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I’ll admit, for the few romance novels out there which feature a lustful scene on a back patio/porch, that’s something I’m more in favor of. There’s usually a bit more privacy, and it seems our couple usually just gets thing started out there before eventually finishing things up inside.

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For the front porch though? It seems like inviting the male lead inside afterwards for a cup of “coffee” never happens. I’d say most of the times I’ve come across this feature in a novel, our main couple doesn’t spend the evening together after their front porch fun times. What…too intimate for ya?!

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All in all, the front porch as a romantic sexcapade is not my favorite. I’m constantly thinking they’ll be discovered by a late night jogger, or perhaps a neighbor walking their dog. Move things inside folks! You don’t necessarily have to go the bedroom, but you can’t stay here!!

 

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Saturday Sexcapades: Alleyway

I was recently reading a romance novel wherein the lead couple got it on in an alleyway, and it made me realize that I haven’t featured a Saturday Sexcapade in quite a while. So…let’s get down to the nitty gritty details!

In Romance Novel Land

Hot damn! Can I get a hell yes up in here?! There is something about a sex scene in an alleyway between two consenting romance novel adults that is just busting at the seams with lustful passion. And I’m not just referring to the seams in the male lead’s jeans, if you know what I mean!

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Think about it. The couple is so unbelievably horny that they can’t even bother waiting to find an enclosed area with a roof overhead before lowering their zippers, or unbuttoning their buttons to get at each other. It’s quick, hurried, and full of enough thrusting and neck/ear lobe biting to make even the most reserved reader blush from seemingly intruding on such an intimate scene.

In Real Life

Dude, are you freaking kidding me?! Nothing like an alleyway stinking of garbage, urine and God knows what else to get you in the loving mood. And what joy! Now I have enough scratches up and down my back to make it look like a cat played tic-tac-toe with my flesh. You better believe you’ll be the one applying aloe vera to it every night. Mark my words!!

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Ok, so I’ve never actually gotten it on in an alleyway, but I have a feeling it wouldn’t really be my cup of tea. First of all, I have an unbelievably and irritatingly sensitive sense of smell. Have any of you ever come across a sweet smelling alley? I suppose if it was behind a dry cleaners, or laundromat it might be a different story. Nine times out of ten though you’re probably dealing with rotting food and enough rodent droppings to make you breathe through you mouth for the whole experience.

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Second: who the hell knows what you’re stepping in. It could be gum, week-old moo goo gai pan, a homeless person’s most prized possessions, or the puke from a drunken reveler behind a bar. Rule of thumb, if your foot starts to glide in something slick or sticky, use it as an excuse to wrap your legs around your man’s waist.

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So for all of you alley lovers out there, be safe and hold your breath. Or, you know, maybe just table your sexual urges until you get back home. Nothing wrong with your foyer.

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Saturday Sexcapades: Janitor’s Closet

What is it about a janitor’s closet that just makes two consenting adults positively frisky? Perhaps it’s the close, confined quarters. Or the possibility of discovery? Maybe the restricted scent of chemical fumes have combined to form an unstoppable cloud of lust. Whatever it is, I absolutely love whenever we have two romance novel characters who choose to go at it in a janitor’s closet.

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If you’ve never come across this sexual locale in a romance book, well then you need to get on that. It’s really a good one! I have found that there are two instances in which it is about 10 times more likely for our love birds to seek out, or stumble into a janitor’s closet to get their freak on.

Instance one: hospitals. If you’re reading a romance novel, and the male and female lead ever find themselves visiting a third party in a hospital, I would say the chance of them shoving each other up against the shelves in a janitor’s closet is exponentially increased. I can’t say with 100% certainty why that is. Maybe they’re both really really happy to be alive and healthy, and they feel the urge to celebrate?

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Instance two: charity functions. I guess you could say they’re in the giving mood! Hint hint wink wink, nudge nudge. This one is always fun because they are usually dressed up in all their fancy gala evening wear, but when the door closes the white satin gloves come off. At least they will have all the necessary items to efficiently clean up afterwards, amiright?

I think the close quarters really does have a large part to play in what makes this sexual location so sexy. Not to mention that for some very odd reason, our couple is usually arguing before finding solitude in the janitor’s closet, and they can’t help but take out their sexual frustration by doing the vertical mambo. Let’s face it, they rarely go horizontal in those things.

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Well, whatever it is! This romance reviewer gives the janitor’s closet as a sex locale in novels two very enthusiastic thumbs up! Or penises. You know, whichever you prefer.

Saturday Sexcapades: Movie Theater

Oh for the love of all that is holy, please don’t tell me this is why the floors in movie theaters are so sticky!!

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For this edition of Saturday Sexcapades, we’re going to explore romance novel couples who get it on in a darkened movie theater. Now, let me start off by saying…I totally get it. After all, is there anything more intoxicating, more stimulating, more arousing, than the scent of movie theater popcorn butter? Talk about the ultimate aphrodisiac!

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You’ve gotta admit, the movie theater is a damn near perfect public location for some hanky panky. It’s dark, the majority of people will be too enthralled with what’s happening on the screen to really pay any attention to you and your lover, and it can be so unbelievably loud in there that all the sounds of gasping and moaning can be perfectly camouflaged.

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There are a few important points for our romance novel couples to consider though before attempting this one. Firstly, they better hope to get a seat in the absolute back row, with nobody else around who might get a show they weren’t quite expecting.

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Second, their actions are rather limited. Let’s face it, they’re pretty much restricted to using their hands, and…well…you know. Both individuals must be prepared to face the facts: their clothes must remain on, and there’s a mighty big chance you’ll have to wait another hour or two before you can head home and do the job right. Naked.

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And now for my one teeny, tiny complaint about this sexual locale. Do you realize how much money you just wasted on a movie ticket?! Those damn things are expensive, and you’re not even paying attention to what’s going on onscreen. And if you happen to knock over the popcorn whilst carrying out your amorous activities? Hmph, we gonna have words! Believe you me!

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Overall though, I must admit that when this locale appears in romance novels I am in full support. It’s sexy as hell, and often leads to a more passionate evening once our couple makes it back home, where they can rip each other’s clothes off completely.

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Saturday Sexcapades: the Library

When it comes to the choice of the library as a public sex location, I must admit I am an absolute hypocrite. If I was roaming the stacks, and came upon a couple going at it like a couple of teenagers, I’d probably lose my shit. After all, I can’t stand it when I’m in the library and the person next to me is typing too loudly. Then you’ve got two people who have the nerve to shove each other up against the bookshelves, and do the dirty in a place of designated quiet? Have you no respect?!

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That being said, whenever I’m reading a romance novel, or watching a movie where a couple chooses to have sex in a library? I’m their biggest supporter, cheering them on from the sidelines. Do it, do it, do it! Whether it be a public library, one at a university, or a private library located in a billionaire’s penthouse, I always do a little happy dance when this one comes along. What is it about this location that makes everything so much more goddamn sexy? Well, let’s take a peek.

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Firstly, I think the fact that the library is supposed to be a quiet place supplies an added layer of suspense to the whole concept. This is when our couple will often resort to biting each other’s shoulders, or holding their hand over the other’s mouth to suppress as much noise as possible. Oh my, things are getting a little hot and heavy up in here!

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Second of all, the chance of discovery at any moment is extremely heightened. This often translates into a quick and rough coupling, with the desire to bring forth as much pleasure in as short an amount of time as possible. I feel like this also leads to some pretty creative moves so that both individuals can leave with a happy ending. A fair amount of whispered dirty talk is usually involved as well. I guess you just can’t deny that the library brings out the creativity in people.

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Thirdly, it’s all about the angle. 9 times out of 10, our couple remains in the vertical position for the entirety of the sexcapade, and that’s just impressive. Every once in a while, you’ll find a lazy ass couple who sneaks off to one of those study rooms, and performs the deed horizontally on a desk. Come on people, if you’re gonna have sex in a library, do it right.

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And now, for the pièce de résistance if you will! If, at any point, there is a ladder involved? Well, then that’s just an automatic win.

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Now, let’s face it, in the real world, having sex in a library is probably more trouble than it’s worth. There are always people around (not to mention security cameras), the unzipping of a pants zipper would most likely reverberate like there was a megaphone involved, and there’d probably always be the concern of knocking over the library stacks like a domino effect. But for all the authors out there who include it as a sexy romp locale in their romance novel I’d just like to say, “thanks”, for keeping it interesting.

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Saturday Sexcapades: Restaurant Table

This post is dedicated to all the romance novel couples out there who can’t help but get a little handsy while dining at a restaurant. And there are a lot of them! Sometimes they even get a little mouthy, if you catch my drift.

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Maybe it’s that amazing list of specials the waiter just rattled off. Or the wide variety of fine wines. Perhaps it’s the decadent chocolate mousse for dessert. I don’t know for sure what the secret ingredient is, but something is making the couples of the romance world hornier than all get out!

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I can’t say I necessarily condone this sexcapade locale. After all, there are few things that can make me lose my appetite for an amazing lobster bisque faster than the thought of the guy at the table next to me getting a blowjob from his girlfriend under the table. That being said, you can’t help but admit that romance novel couples who feel the need to slowly inch their hands up each other’s thighs are about as ballsy as they come!

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There seem to be about a million and one different ways where they could be caught and thrown out for public indecency in this scenario. And yet, that never stops ’em from giving it a go! The way I see it, there are some key details for our lovebirds to keep in mind before attempting this particular sexcapade. Number one: you better be seated in the most remote and darkened corner of the entire restaurant.

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Number two: the table height either has to come up to your chin, or your hand movements need to put the “subtle” in subtlety so nobody else catches on to your dirty ways. I’m always surprised when couples do this at a table with other people present! Can they really not see that the angle of the guy’s arm puts his hand directly in line with her…nether region?

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Lastly: the restaurant better be playing some music over their speaker system, or the girl needs to bury her face so far into the guy’s neck that nobody can hear her moans, or see her facial features. The problem I find is that so many of these couples get frisky in an upscale, romantic restaurant that probably has a quiet violin solo going on somewhere. Better be quiet!

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And so for all those ballsy couples out there in romance novel land who wanna get off under a restaurant table: if you can actually manage to overcome all the obstacles, and get away with it without drawing any suspicion to yourselves, well then there are simply no words.

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Saturday Sexcapades: Hammock

For those of you fabulous people who are regular visitors to my blog, you’ll know that I’ve done a few posts in the past featuring some of the more unusual locations romance novel couples have chosen to do the deed. From elevators to automobiles, airplane bathrooms and beaches, you just never know where the mood will strike!

Previously, I’ve included about 4 unique locations per post, but I’ve decided to mix things up a bit. Rather than crush together all of the fun into just one post, why not spread things out over time? Ergo, welcome to Saturday Sexcapades, where I’ll focus attention on just one location outside of the bedroom per post. It might not be every Saturday, but this is when you can expect to see them. So let’s get started with a Sexcapade you might come across in a romance novel when the weather is a tad warmer than what most of us are probably suffering through right now!

The Hammock

The way I see it, there is no rhyme, reason, or logical explanation for ever having sex in a hammock. How is it possible for anyone to walk away from this without experiencing at least one traumatic injury?!

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I’ve only come across one romance novel so far which featured a couple who simply couldn’t wait to move things from their hammock of love to the bedroom. To be fair, I kind of get the romantic aspect of it. You’re snuggled up close with your significant other, letting the gentle sway of the hammock seduce you into a passionate bubble of lust. You’re outside, probably near a beach of some kind, and the exhibitionist in you kind of wants to put on a show for your neighbors. But someone needs to explain the logistics of it to me!

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Ok, on second thought please don’t explain it to me, because I honestly don’t know you all that well. Hammocks are meant to sway side to side, but with the inevitable sexual movements you’ll induce with your lover, I just feel like you’re bound to unlatch the hammock from the hook around the tree, and end up in a tangle of limbs on the ground. Good luck getting the mood back after that jarring experience. Or the two lovers will just have to be very…very…gentle. NO UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS! Otherwise you’re looking at possible motion sickness repercussions.

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Mkay, so when all is said and done I’ll have to say that I can understand the appeal of getting things started in a hammock, but for the love of safety please take things inside for the big finish. If you have a hammock like this one it might be a bit more realistic:

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But let’s face it, most of us common folk just have one of these, and that doesn’t bode well for anyone:

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Be safe out there people!