Saturday Sexcapades: Front Porch

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always dreamed of living in a house with a big wrap-around porch. Mind you, it never once crossed my mind that such a feature could potentially be a prime out-of-the-bedroom sex locale for romance novel lovers. I just always envisioned it being a lovely place to sit in a white wicker rocking chair with a good book and a glass of lemonade.

Now that I’m older? Yeah, um, honestly still not a place I’d think of to get down and dirty with a significant other. All that’s changed in my vision since I was little is that I now have a Kindle instead of a paper back book, and well…maybe there’s a little vodka in that lemonade.

As always with these Saturday Sexcapades, I like to point out a few details for romance lovers to keep in mind before deciding to drop trow on the front porch. First and foremost, you either better have some extremely tall hedges, or you need to live far enough out in the country where there’s no risk of your neighbor catching a free show.

Having grown up in the suburbs where you are literally surrounded by neighbors on all sides, I can’t lie this is always the first thing that pops up in my head when I come across this sexcapade in a romance novel. Anybody could just walk by! At least if you live out in the country you’d only be providing a few nocturnal animals with some interesting entertainment for the evening.

Aside from the possibility of the neighborhood gossips catching a glimpse, there are two other reasons the porch doesn’t scream sexy to me. For one, I don’t think I’ve ever visited a front porch that didn’t have an excessive amount of spiders/spider webs in the vicinity. Sorry, not gonna happen. Then you’ve got a plethora of moths practically humping the porch light in ecstasy. Just…no! Can’t we take this inside already?

And this leads me to my main complaint about this particular locale. The front door is LITERALLY right there! Can’t you just take these amorous activities into the safe and clean confines of your foyer? It’s only about 2 feet away. Come on, I know you can do it!

For our romance novel leads it seems that the public nature of the porch is one of the enticing factors. It also usually involves the female lead getting down on her knees to…pleasure her man. Goodness gracious girl I hope you used the door mat for cushioning.

I’ll admit, for the few romance novels out there which feature a lustful scene on a back patio/porch, that’s something I’m more in favor of. There’s usually a bit more privacy, and it seems our couple usually just gets thing started out there before eventually finishing things up inside.

For the front porch though? It seems like inviting the male lead inside afterwards for a cup of “coffee” never happens. I’d say most of the times I’ve come across this feature in a novel, our main couple doesn’t spend the evening together after their front porch fun times. What…too intimate for ya?!

All in all, the front porch as a romantic sexcapade is not my favorite. I’m constantly thinking they’ll be discovered by a late night jogger, or perhaps a neighbor walking their dog. Move things inside folks! You don’t necessarily have to go the bedroom, but you can’t stay here!!